Zach Beauvais

Just type: layers like duvets filled with lead

Written by Zach Beauvais

Aug 4, 2020


No editing. Full-on whatever the hell comes out of the fingers goes on the screen. (I’ve not done this in a while). Sorry. Sorry for all of it.

I’m trying to understand why I cannot easily focus right now. Trying to think about my mental health and deep feelings of insecurity and anxiety amongst any contexts that affect it. Not all that great in the head.

Who is, anyway?

But contexts don’t map cleanly like a flow chart in a business-logic decision tree. They’re layers needing peeling back to understand what’s going on.

The layers peel back, the sticky, weighted layers of something with a physicality to it, even though it’s just an idea. If the layers were a thing, they’d be resistant to peeling cleanly, like an over-warmed, then forgotten for a decade book of stamps, a price sticker on a delicate item like a RAM chip. The packaging of a box of gummy worms, where the packaging is a gummy worm. Sticky, unappealing and not-a-peeling.

These layers, right? They’re also not easy to shift. They’re weighted, but not evenly. They’re a net made of lead inside a duvet filled with jelly and resin – resin that bleeds through the duvet and bonds with the layers below and above. Heavy in all the wrong places, lifted like a just-fucking too-big bag of sharp sand mixed with hard rubber balls, odd-sized wire, and pillow stuffing and string.

Shedloads of unwound string spools.

Like peeling an onion with your newly over-trimmed fingernails; an onion made of slugs who’ve just crawled through CA glue.

We get to the heart of the matter, a heart shrouded in paywalls, passwords, applications, background checks, armour, and defensive capabilities. This heart of the matter, sodden with the above layers’ various detritus, residues, and impressions. String, jelly, bits of lead: all souvenirs of how you got to the heart of the matter.

The layers are plentiful, potent, potentially problematic. They are Pandemic. Politics. Prospects. Position. Productivity. Purpose. Parenthood.

At the heart, under these noxious worlds of pestilence, social unrest, drastic-rapid cultural change, the fall of church, the fall of religion, the fall of empires, the falling away of old lies that are no longer alive, but their corpses trip so many people that understanding and truth are falling away like the scales from the blind eyes, leaving us aching for meaning, reason, faith, love and vision – but what’s left to see when we’ve been purged of the good along with the bad?

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